All couples fight. It is quite natural, and comes with the realm of being in a relationship. But when you fight more than usual, it`s natural to ask, « How many fights is too many? » and « Are we completely screwed? » Even relationship experts know that tasks are a shock absorber. But if you disagree on how you can share and win, there are ways not to make this argument a serious problem. « If a couple told me they never fought, I`d worry, » says Kiaundra Jackson, a licensed marriage and family therapist. And while she points out that the fight is indeed normal, there are some red flags that could mean that your problems could be better served if you are seeking the help of a counsellor or therapist. If you and your partner are involved in infidelity or ultimatum frequently, give yourself names, fight with your children, make threats or constantly express someone else`s opinion about their relationship, she recommends visiting a professional. (And you should always go to a professional if you have physical abuse.) I spoke with two experts about the type of fights you should be working on at the beginning of your relationship, as you have productive arguments and signs that your conflict style may not be as healthy as it could be. Fighting early in a relationship is not always a red flag, but it is important to do these four steps before reaching the three-month mark. Both Shirey and Pharaoh mention Gottman`s studies of relationship success or failure.
Gottman`s research shows that the four greatest preachers that your relationship will not hold, are contempt, criticism, defense and stone walls. But instead of looking at arguments as a bad thing, experts agree that relationship conflicts can be healthy – an opportunity to learn more about your partner and how to work as a team. Of course, it can be difficult to see it this way when your blood is bubbling, your tolerance has collapsed and you are drowning in a sea of discouragement. The fight may be real – but there are strategies to tackle tension when problems arise. If you are in the middle of a conflict, try to remember that the other person, with a background and a series of experiences, finds himself in the situation. You weren`t in that person`s shoes, and while that can help you sit in it, your partner is the only person who can really explain where they came from. Conflicts exist in all relationships. By conflict, we are talking about verbal disagreements and arguments. People sometimes disagree, and that is not necessarily a bad thing — you have the right to have a different opinion than your partner. It is important that you communicate effectively and healthily, which will allow you to better understand yourself and make your relationship stronger. You probably want to get back on track and have a peaceful relationship.